Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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