Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
