Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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