u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
