you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
