I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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