I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
