I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
