Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
