you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
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We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
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First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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