You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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