did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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