Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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