my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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