help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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