I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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