I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize
