if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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