Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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