I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
