meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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