i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
