I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
