; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
