so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
