oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
