Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
