Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
