I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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