If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
