The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
