I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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