It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
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