His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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