Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
