She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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