If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He shit in the fireplace
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
