well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
