If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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