WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I think I won the penis lottery.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
