I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
