Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
