9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
