swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
