Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
