I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
