sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
