party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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