well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
