no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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