the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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