God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
