Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
