you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
