Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
