It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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