Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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