hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
