I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
